CAUTION: THIS POST MAY BE VERY UPSETTING TO READ IF YOU KNOW ME PERSONALLY.
I started this blog before I left California. I was planning on writing about all my adventures in my new home in another state, but things didn’t quite go as planned. Truthfully, I didn’t really have a plan other than move to a new state. I don’t do well with change so I was going through the move in almost a state of denial. Mentally I moved through the days with blinders on so that I wouldn’t get spooked when I finally allowed my brain to fully take in what we had just done.
It all started off well enough. The move itself had a fair amount of stress involved with it, but I put faith into the Universe that it would all work out in the end. It had to because frankly I wasn’t giving it any other option. I was not about to move two thousand miles halfway across the country for it not to work out. So with all of our worldly belongings in a U-Haul truck we hit the road for a new life. It took us about five days to go from our home in California to what would become our home until further notice in Wisconsin. Yes, Wisconsin. The blandest place on earth. At least it feels like it compared to what we were used to back home.
We got here the evening of Halloween October of 2018. Autumn was still in full swing so it was actually relatively pretty when we arrived. I think it was also in the 50s still. Cool enough to need a sweater, but not cold enough for us to be in shock after leaving a very warm southern California just a few days earlier. We were in relative good spirits since the drive out have been a bit of an adventure in itself.
We had no apartment lined up so we knew we would be in a hotel for a bit, but I had not planned to be in one for the whole month. We had tentative plans to move in with a friend once we arrived here, but unbeknownst to us, those plans had changed while on our drive out here. At first staying in a hotel felt sort of fun, but within about a week or so it started to feel a little stressful for me. I don’t like not knowing what is coming next, and the hotel made my life feel like too many things were in limbo and out of my control. I really did not like that feeling.
I was able to get a job at the local Barnes & Noble, but with all our stuff still packed up and in storage while we looked for a place to live it meant a limited supply of shoes and clothing to choose from every day. Unfortunately, comfortable shoes for standing all day was not something I had left unpacked. Nor was I in a place financially to just go out and buy new shoes since we had used all our money moving out here and on the hotel. So the first month didn’t end on a high note for me mentally. Little did I know that the first month was probably going to be my only “good” month mentally for the next six months.
Things seemed to get better when I ended up getting a job at the local post office as a package handler, and we moved into our first apartment out here. The job paid very well, but I would have to wait almost to the end of the month before I got my first paycheck. That meant having to get through the month with barely a dime to spare. So of course I got a flat tire, and my bank card number got stolen. Thankfully, I had a few friends back home looking out for me and they sent me some much needed gift cards to use at the stores for food and supplies. My son had managed to get a job at a local sports store so he was able to feed himself with his paychecks so that took some weight off my shoulders. Unfortunately both of our jobs ended up being real shit holes for different reasons. Well, actually, I guess for similar reasons actually; disgustingly horrible management.
My son ended up leaving his job in January for a different company and position, but I stayed with mine until May because it was paying the rent, bills, food and then some. Having actual money left over after everything was paid was just so new to us, and the only reason I stayed with a job that was quickly making me more and miserable with each passing week.
To say that I was miserable in our new home of Wisconsin those first few months would be a gross understatement. Between my homesickness, the extreme physical exhaustion my job gave me, an artic freeze bringing below freezing temps, and my usual depression and anxiety issues, it all made for a perfect storm of shit for my mental health. It got so bad that I was actually contemplating suicide for the first time in my life. I would lay on the bathroom floor just crying uncontrollably waiting for the urge to end it all to pass. Some nights it took several hours for it to pass. Other nights I would fall asleep crying right there on the floor.
One day I woke up and started crying and I didn’t stop crying for about a week and a half. No exageration. Heck, it might have actually been longer than that. I really have no idea. I was so mentally and physically spent that my mind just gave out. I went to work and cried the whole shift. I left and ran my errands crying. I came home and cried until I fell asleep. Then I woke up and did it all over again. Every single day I just cried and cried until one day I just stopped crying. I guess my body was just out of tears. I was able to find a new job and leave the post office come that May, but the damage was done. From that point on I have hated Wisconsin. What was supposed to be this grand adventure ended up being the worst time of my life.
We’ve been out here for a little over two years now, and the only thing good I can say for this place is that I ended up at a job that I was able to continue working at when the global pandemic hit last year. If we had stayed back home we would be out of a job just like everyone else and left trying to figure out how to pay for bills and food. Instead we are here in Wisconsin both working jobs that pay our bills and so far are still healthy. So I guess Wisconsin was good for us after all even if in the beginning it felt like the worst decision I had ever made. Now if only I could find food that I like then we would really be on a roll.
These are my thoughts.
Thoughts From An Exhausted Woman 