Everyday is a struggle for me in some form or another. Some days are better than others, but for the most part my days tend to go by with a bit of numbness. I suppose I’ve been like that for years now, but it feels worse lately.
It never occurred to me that moving so far away from everything that I knew would be this hard on me. People move across the country all the time for school and for jobs. I just assumed I would be fine and would adjust and move on, but apparently that wasn’t the case. Perhaps it’s because the first six months here were so rough for me? Maybe I just don’t do well being so far away from home? Or perhaps my ex was right after all – I’m never going to be happy no matter where I live. I swear, if he’s right… Well, regardless of the why’s all I know is that I don’t want to be unhappy every day of my life. Which means only one thing; I have to figure out how to be happy.
So that begs the question of what am I going to do to change things? I. Have. No. Clue. BUT I do know that no one can make me happy but myself, so that’s a start. I think. Actually, you know what? I don’t know what to think. I honestly have no clue. I wasn’t lying. I’m just guessing here and making assumptions based on the bajillion psych books I’ve read over the years, and that stupid ass, annoying-as-fuck phrase ‘no one can love you till you love yourself’. I just replaced the word love for happy in that train of thought.
So, how does one begin to change their unhappiness to happiness? I really do read a lot of psychology based books, but sometimes I’m just not in the right state of mind to really take anything in when I read. I do want to be happier, but I’ve been so unhappy for so long it almost feels like a losing battle some days. It’s like my mind has just gotten so used to being unhappy that when I have a good mental day my brain freaks out and doesn’t know how to react. I imagine it freaking out, chicken little-style and screaming “Wait! We can’t be happy! We don’t know how to be happy! Quick! Sabotage our thoughts! Release negative thoughts! As many as you can! Now, now, now!”
Self sabotage. It’s a real thing and I’m pretty sure I do it to myself all the time. So what’s the point of reading all these self help books if I’m just never going to allow myself to be happy? I suppose that’s the million dollar question. My answer? Just because I don’t know how to let myself be happy doesn’t mean I have to give up trying to be happy. Even if I continue to self sabotage my own chance of happiness for the rest of my life I will also never give up trying to find happiness. Maybe that’s what being a masochist is? Hmm Maybe that should be the next book topic I read about.
So what lessons have we learned in this ever so depressing post today? One, we learned that I’m in my pre-period depression stage and for the life of me couldn’t come up with a “happier” post than this one, and two, that I’m self aware that I sabotage my own happiness. Perhaps that’s why I feel like most days I go through life in this weird numbness. I’m existing and not living. It’s a horrible way to go through life and I really do hope none of you are living this way, too, but if you are know that you aren’t alone. Who knows how we get stuck in this horrible endless loop of unhappiness, but we can’t quit trying to get ourselves out.
Go for a walk. Read a book. Make something. Cook something. Call or text someone. Watch a movie. Exercise. Play an instrument. Draw something. Whatever it is that brings us even a tiny spark of happiness we need to hang onto it and never let go. Today I opened my patio door and sat in the fresh air, and that made me happy for a moment in time. The moment didn’t last long because it was only 42 degrees out and I quickly got too cold and had to close the door back, but it was enough to at least make me forget to be sad for awhile. Never give up. We are all worth fighting for. Even myself.
Now just to convince my brain of that little fact.
Thoughts From An Exhausted Woman 