Bitter Betty, Party of One?

I’ve been single for a very long time. Almost 15 years now. I left my ex, my son’s father, May of 2006. I haven’t had a serious anything in all that time. For many years after leaving him I was in no shape mentally to date, but it didn’t stop me from feeling lonely. Then, at some point I wanted to start dating again, but by then I had developed some mad body insecurities and so dating just wasn’t happening. Again, that didn’t mean I stopped feeling lonely. Now, I’m once again at a point in my life where I would like to date and start some sort or romantic relationship, but I’m also faced once again with a dilemma that is keeping me single and alone. Not only am I having to deal with raging body issues that keep me from seeking intimate situations I also have to deal with the issue that I hate where I live. Specifically, that I am currently living in Wisconsin and have no desire to stay here one moment longer than absolutely necessary. If I was given the chance to literally move out of this state TONIGHT I would not hesitate to shut this computer off and start packing right this second. Not exactly the most ideal mind set for trying to find a long term relationship.

So, why am I even attempting to meet and date someone when I have no desire to set down roots here? Basically it boils down to the fact that I am sick and tired of being alone and the overwhelming loneliness I feel every single day. I’ve turned into that person who gets annoyed when I learn that some obnoxious or revolting person is married, and yet there I am still single. I look at them and scowl and think to myself “How is it they are married and I can’t even get the troll at the corner store to hit on me?” It’s not like I want some loser to ask me out, but if they don’t even notice me how can I expect a guy I’m legit attracted to to notice me? It’s my inner dilemma I struggle with every day that has turned me into a Bitter Betty. I feel like I’m forever on the outside looking in at everyone else finding mates while I stay alone.

Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I envy/hate all people in a long term relationships. I am honestly happy when my friends and love ones find love and get married. I want the others around me to be happy and find love. I love seeing their pictures of their cute dates or trips together. I love seeing when they have hit milestone anniversaries in their relationships. I love seeing wedding and baby announcements. I feel special that they have shared that with me and it makes me feel happy to be a part of it in some small way. I’m bitter about seemingly shitty people who can get someone to marry them and yet I’m left standing there trying to figure out what is so horrible about me that I am left out in the relationship cold. Again. Alone. Seething in my bitterness. Hell, I’m downright marinating in that shit some nights. Can we say ‘Bitter Betty Seething In Her Own Hostility, Party of One, Please’?

People often say I’m “too picky” when it comes to finding a guy. I don’t see it like that at all. My ‘type’ isn’t set in stone. I don’t have petty ‘deal breakers’ that have me shooting a cute guy down that may show interest. I have very simple needs. Well, sort of – To put it simply, I just want to meet someone and not only be physically attracted to him, but mentally attracted to him, too. I want a zing or some sort of spark to happen when we meet. Something that makes my lady parts stand up and take notice when he walks into a room. I want to feel some sort of butterflies or reaction in my mind when I think of him. I want a guy to effect me. I don’t know. Maybe that is being too picky, but I don’t know how to feel any other way.

So, until I can figure out what exactly it is I do that keeps me single and alone I’m guessing I’m going to continue to be a Bitter Betty for awhile longer. My only dream in life has only ever been to fall in love, get married, have lots of babies and grow old in the house we raised our children in. That’s all I’ve ever dreamed and desired. Now, at my age that dream is about as attainable as it is me going to the moon. I know that, but it doesn’t stop my heart from wanting it none the less, and from glaring at those around me that wear wedding rings.