I was thinking about someone from my past recently. The only thing I really remember about him is that his name was Christian and that he owned a small orange pickup truck. I’m pretty sure we worked together and that’s how I knew him, but I don’t remember where we worked. We were just friends and I think he might have had a girlfriend, but he lived in a house near me with roommates.
I remember going to his house a few times and spending time doing whatever it is twenty years old’s do when not working, but for whatever reason our friendship didn’t last for long and we ended up going our separate ways I think within a year or so. I don’t think it was anything bad, just life taking us in different ways.
So why was I thinking about him lately? His truck. Yes, his truck made me think of him. Like I said before, he had a very bright orange truck. Not like neon orange or anything, but it was vibrant enough that you definitely saw it coming. I can very clearly recall being embarrassed to be seen in this truck all because of it’s color. Such an immature thing I know, but I was just out of my teenage years so I was still concerned with being accepted by anyone I deemed “popular”.
So here I am now thinking about this guy and his truck and I am feeling guilt over the way I acted. I’m sure many of you can relate to the feeling of regretting something you said or did many, many, many years ago… or maybe last week. We can be going along minding our own business when our brain suddenly recalls some random memory and then decides to dwell on every little detail it can recall about that memory until we feel absolutely crappy.
I wish I could take back how I acted about his truck and apologize to him, but obviously I can’t. Who knows if he even remembers me, but I found myself thinking about him and wondering where he was now and how he was doing. I remember him being a cool guy and I enjoyed spending time with him. I’m sure if I were to pass him on the street now I wouldn’t even realize it. So why was I dwelling over how I acted and felt over twenty years ago when I can barley even remember the guy’s face? Because this is how my mind works. It picks a random thought and dwells on it till I feel like absolute crap. Whether I should or not.
Who else does this? It’s absolutely stupid and a waste of time and yet there we are dwelling on something random from our past that we have no way of changing. Like obsessing over something trivial is somehow going to make us feel better. I can only answer for myself and I’m thinking my answer is that I have a hard time with letting go of things. I have a hard time just accepting things and moving on. Is it the same for you? I try to catch myself when I’m spiraling down that rabbit hole and redirect my thoughts to more positive ones. It’s doesn’t work all the time, but I am getting better at catching those train of thoughts when they are happening.
As for Christian, I may not be able to take back how I acted, so instead I try to think about how our friendship made me feel. Though I can’t pull up specific memories associated with him anymore I can still remember feeling good when I was with him and that is what I choose to hold onto. I hope wherever he is in this world that he is happy and has plenty happy memories of his own to make him smile when they randomly pop up on him.
Thoughts From An Exhausted Woman 