Last September I started hanging out with a coworker. Let’s call him Parker. I had seen Parker around work here and there since I started. He was the lone IT guy for the whole property so he could be spotted out in the wild all over the property. I didn’t really start to talk to him and get to know him until I was moved to the Main building to the front reception desk. He had to walk past me whenever he entered the building to get to his office. So it gave us ample opportunities to make small talk with each other every day.
I always felt slightly drawn to him for unknown reasons. He’s not exactly what I would call my “type”, but yet when he was nearby I always noticed him. He’s a few inches taller than me and is this middle aged white guy who is slightly balding and has a very pronounced mustache I would call a “biker mustache”, if I was forced to name it. It’s the kind of mustache that has two strips going done on either side of his mouth but does not connect again on his chin area. He’s slightly over weight but nothing too extreme. I would say he has “a few extra pounds” like myself. He’s fat but not obese. Though apparently he’s lost about 100 pounds in the last year and a half. A fete that I remind him is something to be proud of even though somedays he still feels like that fat, unattractive kid.
At some point we made a “date” to hang out one Friday night so he could introduce me to craft beers. Something that he is very much into and goes to different area breweries several times a month just to try new releases as they come out. I rarely drink and beer was not something I would say I was very fond of since I was convinced American beers basically sucked. He was determined to show me that craft beers were different than your average “bar beer” and said I would love them. So, I agreed to come to his house one Friday night and hang out and basically get drunk with a man I barely knew.
Now, there is one little detail you need to know about me when it comes to being with people in a social setting; I will usually avoid it whenever I can. It’s not that I don’t like being around people or don’t want to socialize with others. It’s just that somehow over the years I have developed a bit of a social anxiety and find it very hard to be comfortable anywhere but within my own car or my own four walls where I lay my head at night. I’m forced to go to work and be around strangers everyday, but I’ve managed to build up enough coping skills to be able to do that and function more or less “normally” enough. Even when I was back home I had a hard time going to social events with people that I considered close friends. Just the act of having to find something nice to wear and doing my hair and makeup was enough to exhaust me. If I managed to actually make it to my car and leave there was still a 75% chance I would chicken out once I got to my destination. I would just drive right by and head back home feeling like an absolute failure that I couldn’t even bring myself to go out and have a good time with my friends for a night. I missed out on so many things because it was too mentally exhausting for me.
The fact that I made it to Parker’s house was a milestone all on its own. The detail that surprised me the most, though, was that I was not trying to think of excuses to get out of it the whole time I was driving there. I found myself actually excited about hanging out with him. That NEVER happens. I could be going to meet someone I’ve known for a decade and still experience some form of dread and anxiety the whole way there. That didn’t happen on my drive to Parkers that night. A fact that did not fail to go unnoticed by myself.
Things were a bit awkward that first night we hung out because neither of us were really sure what to expect. Was this us trying to “date” each other or was this just two people who were going to be “just friends”? It actually took a few Fridays before we were able to answer that question. He’s a widower so for him that was a bit of a complicated answer. He was still very much mourning the death of his wife (she had not been gone a year at that time), and he was not ready to get into any sort or romantic relationship. I was struggling with the fact that I wasn’t really all that physically attracted to him, but I could not deny that there was definitely some sort of chemistry happening between us when we were alone together. We had a discussion one night in early October about what “we” were and we decided that we were friends but that were also a bit more than “just friends” because of our undeniable chemistry.
It’s been eight months now and we still meet up every Friday night to hang out, drink, and talk about what ever is on our minds that night. Sometimes we go out to a brewery or winery to change things up. Sometimes we watch a movie or play a trivia game if we stay in. The rule from the first night was that I stayed the night if I was going to be drinking. No drinking and driving for me. So we got into a routine very early on of us drinking till one or both of us decided to call it a night. We then went to his room where we passed out on his bed together. It was weird at first to share a bed with someone since I had been sleeping alone for about 15 years or so, but since he stuck to his side it made it a bit easier to get used to with each Friday night that passed. Now, it’s just another part of our routine on Friday nights.
We still consider ourselves “just friends” even though the intimacy of our talks and our time together have gone up exponentially. He’s still very much in love with his late wife, and I still find myself checking out the bartenders when we go out so I’m pretty sure that’s a good indicator that we wouldn’t make a good couple. I like knowing that I have someone to hang out with one day a week that doesn’t trigger my anxieties, and he likes having a female around that makes him feel excited again. We feel a void in each other’s life that no one else has been able to fill for each other. Until one of us decides that they want to be more than just friends, which means having a very important discussion about our future together, friends is what we will stay and we are both just fine with that. My friends keep trying to ship us as a couple but I will continue to disappoint them in that area for now. Maybe one day that will change, but if I’ve gained just a life long friend from Parker and not a boyfriend then that is ok. Because a friend that silences your demons is a good friend to have in your life.
Thoughts From An Exhausted Woman 