I’ve had to live with depression for most of my adult life. I don’t know when it developed exactly, but it’s something that is part of my daily life now. It goes through phases, coming and going a lot with the ebb and flow of my monthly hormones. When events in my life get more stressful than usual my depression will get worse. Which never helps anything of course. Thankfully, these days it seems like my depression is at a relatively low level. Which means that my sleep patterns and habits aren’t too bad, I’m not eating my boredom and anxiety, I’m not getting crying spells at inappropriate or highly inconvenient times, and most of all my negative thoughts aren’t as intrusive and predominant. That last one is a big thing because the more my thoughts get negative then the more I attack myself inwardly.
Depression effects all of us differently. It’s how the sadness we feel interacts within our lives that makes depression a different journey for each of us. Some of us can pop some prescription medications and the sadness can lesson noticeably enough to allow us to function at a rather “normal” level without too much disruption to our lives. Other times the sadness can become so intrusive that it has turned into what I call depression weather or a depression storm cloud. The storm can be a thunderstorm with a lot of lightening and thunder but not much rain. Other times its a raging hurricane that feels like you aren’t going to survive and are going to be destroyed by it. And sometimes its a gentle rain than will be gone within a few hours but you know will return soon enough in some form or another. On the “good” days during a depression you can even experience clear skies, or a day where it feels like you’ve gotten a small break from the sadness to breathe and rest mentally. Those days help keep you going when the rest of the days feel dark with the clouds.
After I moved out here I went through the darkest depression I have ever experienced to date. I am really hoping that is the one and only time in my life that I experience such a thing because I barely survived it. I wrote a previous entry speaking of that time if you want to read more about that journey. That experience has unfortunately tainted my feelings and thoughts about this state. Basically, I really do not like living here, and I honestly don’t’ know if I ever will. I’ve recently gotten a job doing something that actually brings me a lot of pleasure. That has gone a long way to making my state of mind a more positive one. Plus, I found a friend to hang out with once a week that gives me something to look forward to every week. That way when my sadness feels like it may be starting to creep back in I will concentrate of looking forward to spending that time with him at the end of my work week. It gives my mind something more positive to focus on.
I have tried to use that dark time in my life as a gauge in a way for my depression now. When I feel my thoughts starting to go dark and negative I remind myself of what can happen if I don’t stay on top of those thoughts and feelings. I have taken a much more proactive stance to fighting my depression. Rather than just taking meds and trying to keep the sadness away that way I have made the effort to control my thoughts on a more day to day, and sometimes hour to hour, routine. I try very hard to monitor my thoughts and emotions when I know my hormones are fluxing. That helps a lot. Plus, I allow myself to feel the sadness that will naturally come with those hormone changes. I don’t try to suppress them because, for me at least, that just makes the sadness worse. If I allow myself to cry and get out what I call the “toxic” hormones then I can start to move past the sadness that much quicker.
Between the new job, my friend, and me trying to stay ahead of the negative thoughts I feel like my depression is at it’s lowest it’s been in many years. That’s not to say it’s gone away. Far from it, but at least now I feel like I don’t have to be medicated all the time to be able to control it. I’m sure at some point something is going to happen in my life that will be so stressful it will trigger a dark depression, but I’m hoping with the better coping skills I’m trying to cultivate with the help of psychology books, and just from better daily habits, that the depression won’t be too devastating or last too long.
No one wants to go through life feeling sad all the time. Well, maybe some do for some reason, but I surely am not one of those people. I would rather look back on my life at the end and be happy with what I see. Not look back and think all the could-have’s and should-have’s. The grass may always feel greener on the other side, but with lots of water and tending your grass may not feel like it looks green, but at least it won’t be full of ugly brown spots everywhere. And I think that is worth feeling proud of in life; a yard (mind) that shows you’ve cared enough to tend it and keep it healthy to the best of your abilities.
Thoughts From An Exhausted Woman 